Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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