3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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