New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
