I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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