I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
