I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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