he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
