i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
