Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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