as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
