Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i love accidental penises.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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