It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
