I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
