I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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