Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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