I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
