I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
