and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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