Cold hands, warm shart.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
