apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
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