My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
