I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
