Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
