I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
