but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
