i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
