Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
