I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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