i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
