Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
