Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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