i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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