Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
