if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
