Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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