Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
