I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Can i not drive my cunt home
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
