everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
