I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
