I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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