just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
