I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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