he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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