Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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