Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
