My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
