He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Duck Duck Cougar?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
