I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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