just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My life is pants optional.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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