Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
