Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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