i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
