Kiss
Puke
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
