How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
