two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
