I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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