Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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