Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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