Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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